Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.