DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job