Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
(Gaming support cat.)
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.