this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm