Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.