CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
You Might Also Like
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Don’t make me out nice you.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
A woman drives into a bar.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.