the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Is….Is this an option?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
What fresh Hell is this?!?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.