Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
This is the one
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”