Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.