How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Geez man, take it easy.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Yup.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”