I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
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*RSVP鈥檌ng to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you鈥檙e making a scene
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
lmao
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you鈥檙e being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
i hope i didn鈥檛 end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?