Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice