*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.