My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
HERE’S MARKY
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Omg 🤣
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…