Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Ron is short for Aaronald
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.