Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.