I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Beware…..
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess