hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet