Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock