Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.