‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.