Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
concern
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
So glad we cleared that up
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.