I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
my sentiments exactly
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.