toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Some people were born into their job.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use