People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist