Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
You Might Also Like
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row