[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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