*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though