Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”