[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Only Americans understand
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-