I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.