I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
asking santa clause for nudes
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Godzilla was the first house flipper.