I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!