Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience