Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Attacked by a mop.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.