Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.