CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place