My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
When you’re here for the treats.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up