James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
asked my bf how work was today
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT