POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally