Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin