Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.