Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
All is fair in drunk and war.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement