“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.