Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Good news
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring