Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
sigh
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.