If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.