What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.