He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You Might Also Like
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.