Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Somebody’s lying.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one